Yes I am still alive, and not regrettably.

Hah.

I'm still alive, I've just been living. But, tonight I really felt like writing, and I didn't feel like physically picking up a pen and journal, I just wanted to let it flow out. So I thought I'd try this jaun out again. I've been looking back on all my past entries and it's really funny to see how much everything has changed, and what an ass I was/am.

I live with Molly now. I have since July, when everything at my house started to go downhill for me. No worries, I'm much happier this way. In fact, whenever I go over to my old house I feel strange, it's empty. I didn't grow up there, so I feel no sort of sadness for leaving. Sure, there have been some pretty great memories, but life moves on, right? Make new ones!

Ever since I graduated I've just been living with Molly in Souderton, working part time at Bones Grille. Well, that'll change soon, I put in my two week's notice a day or so ago. It's not where I belong anymore, and once again, life moves on. I applied at Main Street Java in Souderton which just opened, so hopefully things go well with that because if I really need to I can walk there. Convenience is my middle name.

My second home has turned out to be Michael's Diner on 309. Pretty much any given night you can find me there, gulping down coffee and smoking like a fiend. It's just something that happens I guess.

Molly and I are attached at the hip and hope to live together in the summer around here, before we go off to college. We're both applying at Temple/Tyler, we've already been through all the hardships of living together already, so sharing a dorm together should be a smart match.

I feel that it's common knowledge already, but I should probably say that Daniel and I broke up about 10 months ago, it was incredibly rocky and we're only just starting to get used to being civil to each other again. Though, I mentioned something rather awful to him about the current girl he is dating, and I don't really know how long it will be before I talk to him again. Ah well. I'm not very eloquent when I'm drunk I suppose. He knows me well enough that he'll see past that.

I don't have any special someone as of right now, I went through quite a period after Daniel and I broke up of indulging in the hippie aspect of 'free love', and that seemed to only jade me. I guess I'm rather thankful that it happened though, gives me a taste of life. At this point in my life I'm not holding out much hope that a special someone will be right around the corner. I'm going to have to go through a lot more changes and life before I can think of initiating a relationship again, as hard as that is sometimes for me to fathom. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I did shrooms for the first time a while ago, it was an amazing experience. I feel clear-minded as a result.

I've had a lot of ridiculous things happen to me these past couple months, stuff that's been kinda hard for me to laugh off, even though I'm usually pretty good at it. Partly why I'm leaving my job at Bones Grille, because I can't bear to deal with a person that works there. I had my first panic attack about 2 weeks ago, and that was no fun. Every once in a while I'll feel a panicky feeling creeping up on me again, usually triggered by being left by myself, and I have to tell myself that it'll be alright. It usually works. I just have too many thoughts in my head these days to find a big enough and proper outlet. I'm trying this out, I guess.

I wish for myself:

To find somebody that will know me from the inside out and still be able to stand me.

To find the correct path for myself in life.

To be able to balance my everyday life while keeping in touch with family members and old friends.

To remember that some people have it worse.

What I've learned this year:

If I set my mind to something well enough, I can handle it.

I have great people around me right now, and I have to let them know that.

Being alone isn't the worst thing in the world.

My dad isn't as evil as I once thought him to be.

Yoga is a really really good idea.

!
Livi.

Currently Listening #1 By Fischerspooner The 15th see related

Wow..I remember this thing. Vaguely. I've been so bored today I just decided to check this old thing out. I forgot about it for so long. Not like it matters, really. But...yeah.

Today I just stayed home, didn't go to school. I got like an hour of sleep last night and woke up from that hour of sleep in the worst mood. I know, it's babyish and I should've gone, but...everyone needs one mental health day, I guess. It's just school, anyway. I woke up at 12:30 and cleaned up my room a bit, just so I could walk around. Then I just sorta lazed about all day. I did some yoga so I would at least for a little productive, but that's about it. I think I might go take a bath with candles, listen to some music. Create a new playlist just for the occasion. Yeah, that sounds like a really good idea. I just finished eating some ramen noodles, in memory of their inventor, who died just recently. I feel all warm inside.

I've been writing in my actual journal a lot recently. Just because of all the shit that's been happening lately, I can't keep my thoughts straight in my head anymore. It's amazing just how much writing it down really helps. It takes it out of me in a way I guess. I wish it actually did.

-Livi.

MySpace is where it's at.

[www.myspace.com/allo_love]

Currently Listening Sea Change By Beck see related

So lykkk, I thought xanga was dead, but then I had the faintly familiar hankerin' to update it again. I suppose those'll just come every once in a while.

I've been finding myself using/depending on the internet less and less. I have too much happening in my life to document it every second in this thing. I'm actually living it.

Dan and I hit our 7 month mark just the other day, and it's fab. We hang out lots and have good times. Love you lil boy<3.

I don't want school to end because the day after that my boy is going to Europe, and I won't see him for a month because my trip to Texas overlaps it. I want so badly for him to come with me, or anyone for that matter....I've never been on a plane alone before. I'm going to be in Texas and away from everyone I know for 25 days....and I don't think I'll be able to stand it.

I don't care how I dress anymore. Well, I kind of do. If I had nice clothes I'd wear them, but since I don't, I don't give a shit. I'll wear the same pants or sweatshirt for days in a row, and I don't care if anyone thinks I'm weird or, whatever. They're fucking clothes, people.

Homework is really a drag this time of the year. I don't want to fuck myself over and get horrible grades (not that I don't already), but I hate chemistry and I hate global studies. I hate school in general. Summer has already started for me. Has anyone looked outside lately?

AFI concert in Philly June 24th with Hoothar, Jayne, Jackie, Vanessa and I. So excited. We've been waiting for three years.

I don't know what else to say. I love and miss Heather, Vanessa, Zach and Evelyn. I want to see all of you within the next three weeks. I know we all have busy schedules, but I'm sure it can be managed with a little careful planning.

I have to go clean my room and try to do my homework. Whatever.

Currently Listening My Neighbor Totoro Soundtrack By Japanimation (Joe Hisaishi) see related

So. Today seemed like a good day to write in xanga.

I thought it would be pretty nice out today, but it turned out to be pretty chilly and not sunny at all, a bit rainy in parts. I wore my boyfriend's short's today. I don't care what I look like at all in school anymore. So anyways, I wore shorts today, 'cause I don't check the weather and I only base my clothing decisions on the temperature in the morning. I saw that it was 40° out, so I figured it would get warmer. Ah well, it wasn't that bad. I'm just bitching.

My dad and his girlfriend are having problems and are "taking a break". They've been together for 6 years. I mean, I guess the nice part about just dating and not being married is that you can do that without feeling like you're breaking some sort of sacred bond (marriage), but I think I'd cry if they split up for good. Laurie's too much in my life for her to just not be all of a sudden. I also feel bad for Tyler. My dad's kind of like a father figure to him, and I dunno what will happen with that if they decide to split up. Plus, my dad just got done building Tyler's wooden bed that stays at our house, since he's getting too big for his crib. Part of me has the familiar feeling that everything will be fine and turn out better in the end, but a smaller part of me can't promise that to myself. Laurie sent me a text message this morning when I was in Chemisty, saying that she would call later tonight to talk. I'm not completely sure what it's about, or maybe she just wants to talk with me about what's going on between she and my dad. I'm just confused because she only sent the message to me, not to Jackie.

Other than that, I've been having real anxiety about my future. I had an emotional breakdown not too long ago because I'm not sure what I want to do with myself, and my grades as of right now are not good enough for University of the Arts. Not only that, but I wanted to get into the summer school program but my dad was being a real bastard about it. That's when I had my breakdown. I think we understand each other a bit better now.

Danny and I have been together for five months now, and I'd say we're pretty happy. I know we love each other, and it's a great comfort. I think in the past five months I've been happier and more content than I've ever been. I feel like I really belong, and his family are some of the most interesting and kind people I've met yet. I've met a lot of new people by being with him, and I feel like I've made a lot of new friends. Brad, Jimmy, Big Mike, Little Mike, Brian, Christie, Christine, you guys are great, seriously. I consider you my friends.

Today was a really regular day. I think my favorite class is Human Behavior, just because it's so interesting. I think I'd like it a bit more if I did a bit better in it, though. Rossnagel's tests are no picnic. Dan is working tonight, making deliveries for a chinese restaurant til around 8:30. It's crazy stuff you can get yourself into. I hope he does well and isn't nervous, it's his first time tonight.

I guess I'm not done with xanga.